My First

A friend of mine introduced me to this guy. He was taller than me, fair-skinned and with the biggest smile that could easily melt your heart. He was diligent and always full of good ideas. We shared the same interest that time which was nihongo or the japanese language. He was a scholar of a japanese organization while I had an elective foreign language class which was nihongo.

We got along fast and the next thing I knew, we were already together. It has been two or three years since ‘Ryan’ happened. My bestfriend was so happy because she could not believe some guy was able to break the barrier I built around me. After Ryan, there was no other guy. I never entertained again. Until he came.

Though I was already in college, I would still consider ours as a young love. It was my first ever relationship and I was so innocent in dealing with it. I did not even know how to kiss and felt awkward everytime he would hug me. Everything was new to me. 

I thought our relationship was strong because it was built with friendship. I trusted him so much that when my classmates would ask me how sure I am that he was faithful, I would answer them confidently that I’m 100% sure. I was confident on him and never ever doubted his words and actions. I loved him and I loved all of him. 

Our relationship was not perfect. We struggled a lot. I guess, I struggled more. We do not see each other often like most couples of our age did. He lived a couple of hours away from me and we were both students. We had no enough money for frequent dates or to pay for his bus fares if he would constantly visit me. And so we got contented on calls and sending text messages. It was our only means of making each other feel that we cared. 

Along the way, there were misunderstandings and even broken promises. Like he would promise to visit me the following week and I would be excited, but when the week came, he would tell me he couldn’t make it because of many different reasons. It happened many times, even on our supposed first valentines together.

I was the most understanding girlfriend in the history of relationships maybe. Even if I am already hurt, I would still understand him and the situation we were in. Even if everyone else was saying otherwise, I would still believe in him. I loved him and I knew he loved me too. 

And then came that friend request in facebook. The first one was an unknown girl but the following day, a friend of that unknown send me a friend request. I checked her profile and I learned that it was the same girl who liked a ‘?’ post on my boyfriend’s facebook page. Yes, she liked a question mark post and that was really weird. 

To make the story short, I learned that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But wrong, he was cheating on his girlfriend, with me. Yes, they were together first and I never had a hint. So that explained everything, why I couldn’t touch his phone or why he couldn’t see me often. I cried a river that night. It was even worst because I couldn’t reach him. The girl told me that she would give way and would not come between us. She even wished me to be happy with him.

I didn’t break up with him because I loved him too much that I couldn’t lose him. I forgave him and we started over. But things didn’t go as I expected. I thought it would be better but things got worst and the relationship went downhill. I used to see him once every 2 or 3 weeks which was already bad. But then it became 1 to 2 months. Worst was when it was already 3 months and I haven’t seen him yet. So I thought a decision should be made.

My life was already a mess. Everything was falling apart and I lost my confidence in everything. Especially in love. Slowly, my love faded and became anger. I was so consumed with it that I just sent him a private message in his online game saying I’m breaking up with him. I never heard anything from him since then.

After that break up, I became a completely changed person. I am no longer sweet and understanding to men. I lost my trust in them. For me, they were just guys who would do anything and everything to get what they want, regardless of who they would hurt. If a girl would put her guard down, they would crush her completely without remorse, without shame.

I carried that grudge in me for a long time. And it took me some years to realize that some people really comes our way to teach us some valuable lessons in life. He may have caused me pain but in the end, I became a stronger and wiser person. I became a better version of who I was, and have learned to love myself first.